I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
