Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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