He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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