my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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