he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
