Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
