I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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