Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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