When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
