Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
