she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
