Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
