I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
