It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
