I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
