so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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