i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
