In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
