Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
