My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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