fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
