I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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