Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
