just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
