then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
