im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
