last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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