I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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