Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
