Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
