We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
