Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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