Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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