That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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