people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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