if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
