dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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