I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
