Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
