So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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