He is such a slut. More and more my type.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
