Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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