I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I see more hoeing in ur future
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