By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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