I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
