worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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