i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
