I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
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Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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