Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
