addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
