I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
