im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
