last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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