We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
