have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
