And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
